I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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