remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
