The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
