I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
