Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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