where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
