Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
