you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so let's talk penis.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
