I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
