Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
