So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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