I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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