: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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