Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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