she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
tell me about the eggs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
