I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
