I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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