I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
