I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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