he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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