Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
