I want to make a zoo with you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
