the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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