that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
FUCK WHALES
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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