A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
