Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
