Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
