When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
