Porn is love you can see.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
