You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
