she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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