I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
