she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
