i just sent this text using only my big toe
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
