Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
