I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
