my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
