Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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