I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We are all done wearing pants today
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
