i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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