dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
