Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
