ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
