8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
