I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Apparently you make a good broom.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
