oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
