I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
