RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
