I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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