Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
