I feel great
I just peed on a car
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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